Guilt- A Little Dab Will Do Ya!
Posted by Dr. Cason on Tuesday, July 8th, 2008
I was going to write about guilt today because I snapped at Bree. She was taking a loooooong time to put on her seat belt and I became impatient.
This post was supposed to be about how guilt is a useless emotion. How we all make mistakes and we shouldn’t get caught up in the little things. Just Let. It. Go. I told myself.
So I mulled it over and tried to think of some witty banter between the Breester and I. Something that illustrated the complexities of a little girl and her mother. I reminded myself that she was okay and I didn’t need to worry over her for the whole day. Not for a little comment. But no matter how hard I tried to reframe the memory, it didn’t get amusing. It just made me want to to say I was sorry. To be more patient. To give her a hug. Anything but forget about it.
It seems guilt is a powerful emotion, and not quite as useless as I thought.
As reported in Psychology Today , Baumeister, Ph.D., lead a study out of Case Western Reserve University that saw guilt
as a kind of social glue rather than a product of the individual psyche. Its roots lie in empathy, or an individual’s ability to feel the pain of others, and fear of alienation by the social group.
The reason I couldn’t let it go, is that I saw her little face- just as you see it above-innocent and a smile ready and willing. I knew she was trying.
But wait, just as I thought guilt was all good they had this to say:
Levels of guilt and self-esteem are closely related. Individuals with low self-esteem are more prone to deep feelings of guilt than those with high self-esteem.
Ah hah! Maybe this is why as I’ve gotten older I feel less guilty about things. I have a stronger sense of what is me and what I’m willing to do.
So as with most things in life, it seems that guilt in moderation can be good. Just a little bit of it and it keeps you connected and involved and working to do better. But too much of it and either you are doing some very bad things or you need to work on improving your self esteem.
Here are some things I feel guilty about:
Here are some things I don’t feel guilty about:
Filed in How to be a Happier Parent, Self Improvement |
Lanceon 08 Jul 2008 at 9:58 pm 1I like this way of explaining guilt. And it helps me to understand myself better after reading this. I, too, have felt less guilty the older I get. And this now makes more sense thinking of how it relates to self-esteem. Guilt can be a powerful emotion, and being able to see the good and bad of it can be helpful in understanding ourselves and who we really are. Anyway, thanks for sharing this - it really is helpful for me in getting to know myself on a greater level.
Lances last blog post..And The Thunder Rolls
Audubon Ronon 08 Jul 2008 at 11:09 pm 2Good points.
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Alesiaon 09 Jul 2008 at 12:23 am 3I once read Roseanne Cash (daughter of Johnny, singer, and former drug addict) describe guilt as a drug. She said she now chooses not to pick up the baggie of guilt because it doesn’t do any good.
I feel like too much guilt actually alienates you from your experience. That said, I indulge probably more than I should. I don’t know a mother who doesn’t. We all just want to get it RIGHT.
Lisaon 09 Jul 2008 at 1:16 am 4I was raised to feel guilty for everything. My mom regularly used the line : After everything I’ve done for you…These days I feel guilty about my kids, my husband, so much. It is so hard to let go of the guilt.
Lisas last blog post..I can’t stop loving you
Ann at One Bag Nationon 09 Jul 2008 at 2:34 am 5I think Mommy Guilt is the worst! You know your kids are innocent (most of the time) and it’s our own stuff that leads to impatience, snapping at them etc. And what about when we hear that tone of voice come back at us? ugh.
However . . . even mommies are human and I think kids need to understand that we have strong emotions too sometimes; we can get angry but we still love them, and we can “try again” or “start over” as we sometimes say in our house.
I had a terrible Mommy Guilt episode a couple of weeks ago. I blogged about it here: I forgot and I’m sorry
I look forward to looking around and reading more here soon!
Ann at One Bag Nations last blog post..Is Decluttering the Same as Simplifying?
Cath Lawsonon 09 Jul 2008 at 4:57 am 6Hi Dr Cason - Interesting topic. I agree when you say that some degree of guilt is necessary. It enables us to empathise with others and also correct our behaviour accordingly.
But too much guilt can be really damaging - I know people who have been eaten up with guilt about things they did many years earlier. I even know of one woman who committed suicide after making herself ill with guilt over something that happened decades earlier which really wasn’t her fault. Very sad.
Dr. Casonon 09 Jul 2008 at 5:05 am 7Lance- I’m glad it helped. I thought it was in teresting as well. I always thought maybe as I got older I just didn’t care as much but now I know it doesn’t mean I don’t care just that I feel good about myself.
Audubon- You made it though the front door this time.
Thanks for visiting.
Alesia- We do just want to get it right huh? It pains me to think that no matter what I do she will grow up and perseverate over a moment and I’ll probably never even remember that moment. That’s why we have to get good at saying I’m sorry.
Lisa-Practice make perfect. Maybe guilt will move us to where we should be and the other stuff we can just let go.
Ann at One Bag Nation-Welcome. You’re right we don’t want to just be automatons and never expressing anything. One thing I hope my kids realize is that we all makes mistakes- no matter how old you are!
chrison 09 Jul 2008 at 6:06 am 8I don’t feel guilty about spending a lot of money to go out to dinner and the movies with my children even thought money is tight. But I do feel guilty about choosing a career, although I love, that doesn’t provide enough money to sustaing a comfortable life, relatively speaking.
chriss last blog post..A Tangled Web
Dr. Casonon 09 Jul 2008 at 10:07 am 9Hi Cath- Somehow I missed your comment. Must have got crossed.
That’s really sad about the woman who let the guilt ruin her literally. I find as a pediatrician I really feel a lot of guilt over my patients particularly the ones who have died. I play over and over what I could have done. It’s why I pray a lot. I have learned that my role is to do the best I can and sometimes that just means being there for the family when a child dies. Most times there is nothing I could have done differently. But the guilt pushes me to be diligent every day with every patient. I give my phone number to my patients and I follow ups a lot. It’s the only way I can sleep at night.
Chris- You do what you love and that’s a great gift you can teach your children.
Davinaon 09 Jul 2008 at 11:26 am 10Guilt is a sneaky one! It seems to be what stands between judging ourselves and forgiving ourselves.
Davinas last blog post..Magic Happens
Dr. Casonon 09 Jul 2008 at 12:53 pm 11Davina- True. May we turn our compassion inward and let it do its magic.
Barbara Swaffordon 09 Jul 2008 at 4:46 pm 12Hi Dr. Cason,
I do agree guilt decreases with age. The older I get the less guilt I feel.
But it also depends on our choices. If I were to blow money when money is tight, or have no regard for others feelings, then I’m creating my own guilt by my choices.
If we think responsibly, we can eliminate a lot of guilt.
BTW: Thank you for the superb job you did answering all of the comments on your introductory post. You’re awesome. My day was packed with so much of life, I had little time for my blog.
You saved my day. Thanks again!
Barbara Swaffords last blog post..Your Today Is My Tomorrow
Dr. Casonon 09 Jul 2008 at 9:06 pm 13Barbara- You’re right! That’s what also changes. As we grow up we make better choices and consequently have less to feel guilty about!
I loved answering the comments! And because most were directed at me in terms of welcoming, I thought it best. That it helped you was just gravy. I’m so happy to be among the excellent sites you have selected. I wa wondering there for a while whether I should make mine into more of a niche blog. But then I thought, Nawwww!