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A Doctor’s Life - It’s Not Just About Medicine

The Ugly Side of Being a Doctor

Posted by Dr. Cason on Tuesday, August 19th, 2008

I said something last week to a blogger friend. I was quick and brief and thought it was helpful. Well a caring friend of hers felt I was too harsh. She says:

I went over to visit Dr. Cason’s site and while I see a ton of information informing parents how to be a good, normal parent, I fail to see the part where she addresses anything that even comes close to what so many of us live with everyday.

Ouch.

It’s true. I try to be light. Have some fun. Life a bummer and sick kids are tough. I don’t dwell too much. But here’s the thing. I never forget. But it might seem like I do. So I’ll let you know what I ruminate over in the quiet of the night.

Here’s the ugly side of being a doctor. The side I don’t talk about. I run the risk of sounding all important and self absorbed. But trust me I’m just like you all.

Warning some not so positive stuff about to unfold.

  1. I never wanted to be a doctor.
  2. I wanted to be a writer.
  3. But here I am.
  4. The buck stops with me.
  5. I’m in a war zone here.
  6. I’m not in the war.
  7. I just watch it.
  8. And try to stop it.
  9. There too many dead children on my mind and in my heart.
  10. You can delude yourself into thinking you are helping someone.
  11. That what you do actually matters.
  12. But the truth is.
  13. People live and die and life goes on.
  14. I was baptized in Medical School.
  15. I pray because it’s the only way I can stop crying.
  16. I go for runs and pray.
  17. I pray for the two month old dropped on her head.
  18. She herniated before my eyes.
  19. I pray for the  two year old who drowned in a neighbors pool.
  20. He came in on the same shift as the baby.
  21. We celebrated his 3rd birthday.
  22. And then disconnected his ventilator.
  23. His mother thanked me for crying. She said it was nice to see someone who cared.
  24. I pray for the baby found dead next to his sleeping mother.
  25. I stood poised with ET Tube as the ambulance approached.
  26. He was gone too long.
  27. I pray for the abandoned comatose girl in the PICU.
  28. I  gave her a sponge bath, combed her hair and put in little braids.
  29. The nurses wrote me up.
  30. It seems doctors aren’t usually that nice.
  31. I’ve cath’d babies, tapped them, intubated them and helped harvest their organs.
  32. I’ve watched a quivering heart be placed in a cooler and flown away.
  33. To help another life.
  34. I’ve called codes, ran codes and run to codes.
  35. All holding my pregnant belly as Gabby jostled around.
  36. I pray for the seven year that died within minutes of my exam.
  37. She was talking.
  38. I got her a glass of water.
  39. She was stable.
  40. She smiled.
  41. “I see colors” were her last words.
  42. I pray for the baby with the gray tummy.
  43. Perfect little peanut until I rolled him over.
  44. I pray for the 22 week old preemie.
  45. The parents begged me to save her.
  46. But I’m not God and I can’t grow lungs.
  47. I’ve struggled with my team to save a newborn
  48. When it was apparent that I COULD NOT DO ANYTHING
  49. I turned and RAN. Down the hall.
  50. That baby needed his mommy to hold him as he died.
  51. That Mommy needed to hold her baby as she said goodbye.
  52. I pray he found peace.
  53. And she too.
  54. I pray for the four year old I diagnosed with cancer.
  55. As his father clung to me he cried
  56. Please help us.
  57. I pray for the 5 year old immigrant who was rescued by his grandmother in TJ.
  58. Left alone for days then stolen by drug lords. Repetitively.
  59. He cried when I examined him.
  60. Afterwards I held him.
  61. Shhh Shhh Shhh I cooed . He felt like my sweet kids.
  62. He wouldn’t let me go.
  63. So I carried him from room to room.
  64. I pray for the 14 year old boy who cried in my office just last week.
  65. I knelt down and said I understood.
  66. But watching the war is not the same as being in the war.
  67. I’m in the war with my son.
  68. I pray for him repeatedly.
  69. I prayed when they scoped him, poked him, prodded and took his blood.
  70. I prayed when I heard those words- Immunodeficiency.
  71. Hmmm how interesting I might say any other time. But not this time.
  72. It’s not a book or a case
  73. It’s my son.
  74. I feel the desperation.
  75. He’s coughing now.
  76. I am a doctor.
  77. I owe a quarter of a million dollars in medical school loans.
  78. I fear my debt will outlive me.

So maybe I can’t come close to what other feel but I try. I know that as a doctor, I’m on the better end. I can’t even imagine the pain of those parents. But it doesn’t mean I don’t care or can’t relate. This is not a “job” for me. It’s my life. I’ve resuscitated babies in a Walmart and a pizza joint. I’ve run to  multiple car accidents and performed the Heimlich in restaurants. I answer  questions daily for readers, friends, neighbors and strangers. I keep a otoscope charged in my kitchen. I make house calls and advise friends. I have two websites. I make no money but dream of funding humanitarian missions. Because I have time and medical knowledge, I hope to use it well.

The ugly side of medicine it what it is. I didn’t even come close to all the other terrible crushing memories. Some are fading some not.  Don’t worry. I’m not crying right now.

  1. I’m happy.
  2. I like what I do.
  3. I can sleep at night.
  4. I took an oath and
  5. This is my calling.

Tags:

Filed in Everything Medicine, My Life |

75 Responses to “The Ugly Side of Being a Doctor”

  1. Guinevere Meadowon 19 Aug 2008 at 10:20 pm 1

    wow. Thanks for sharing this with us.

    Guinevere Meadows last blog post..Busy, Busy, Dreadfully Busy!!

  2. White Hot Magikon 19 Aug 2008 at 10:22 pm 2

    Right now I am wishing I had tried harder and gone to med school because you are that inspiring. I think sometimes we think Doctors aren’t human and you certainly prove that wrong. Please don’t take to heart what some thoughtless person wrote.

    White Hot Magiks last blog post..Magnetic Monday - First Day of School

  3. Elizabethon 19 Aug 2008 at 10:39 pm 3

    I can only imagine how hard it was to write this, but thank you for sharing it. Perhaps we need more doctors who care as deeply as you do… or perhaps we have them, but they remain cloaked behind their own defenses to some of the things you mentioned.

  4. Mutha Maeon 19 Aug 2008 at 10:56 pm 4

    The downside to putting yourself out there online is that there will be people who don’t understand where you are coming from, even when you have the best of intentions. I’ve been on the receiving end of everything from harsh criticism to all out cyber bullying and threats due to my blog. Ugliness that probably wouldn’t have happened if those people knew me in person, knew what a day in my life was like, and saw me as a human being and not letters on a page. I can see that’s what you wanted to do with this post and it worked. I was moved. Then I went and hugged my kids and didn’t want to let them go.

    The thing about blogging is that anyone can do it. Sit down, write about your life. How complicated is that? Or at least that is the perception. There is a big difference between writing a blog post and writing a well thought out essay and some fail to understand that. So many people are blogging now and watching others are opportunities come their way because of their blogs. A backlash has already started against those who are doing well and comments like the one you received are going to be more of the norm in the future.

    Maintaining a well written, informative, helpful blog is not an easy job. Especially not with a family and a career. I think it’s wonderful that you do this and want to share your story and help others. It’s an outlet for you, a creative release, but you also do a service. It may not be all things to all people, but those who do follow you appreciate what you do. I know I do! So thank you.

    Mutha Maes last blog post..New Show Episode!

  5. Awesome Momon 19 Aug 2008 at 11:40 pm 5

    That was super harsh of that person to say.

    I think one of the biggest blessings that has come from Evan’s heart defect has been that I got to meet a ton of caring and wonderful people who work in the medical field. I know I would have never had a chance to meet them had I not given birth to such a great and special kid. They have also influenced me so greatly that when the kids get older I am planning on going to nursing school so that I can help other people like I have been helped in the past.

    You have a great blog here and I enjoy reading all the helpful advice and seeing the cute pictures of your kids.

    Awesome Moms last blog post..A Ravolympic update

  6. Evelyn Limon 20 Aug 2008 at 12:01 am 6

    You’ve shared a very beautiful part about yourself. It’s touching to know that you care so much for your patients.

    I’ve always admired those in the healing profession. It requires one to be tough and yet have empathy. It’s inspiring that you rise up to your calling. Now how many of us are doing that?

    Evelyn Lims last blog post..10 Insights Into The Power Of Thoughts

  7. Alesiaon 20 Aug 2008 at 12:04 am 7

    What a moving post. Our ped is a mother (her kids are 1 year apart from my kids in the same school). I always wondered how she could do her job without breaking down. I can’t even read disturbing articles about kids without breaking down. Or powerful posts by talented bloggers, either…

  8. Sarah R.on 20 Aug 2008 at 1:04 am 8

    Thanks for a wonderful post. We don’t tend to talk about things like the tragedies of having to explain to a devastated family that their 22-week baby was just born to early (while visibly 32 weeks pregnant), because I think so much of doing our job well is to remain optimistic and encouraging with families. While we certainly haven’t seen the horrors of the soldiers in any of the World Wars, I think the war analogy is an apt one; the men who came home often hung out together at a VFW hall to share the unspoken common bond of what they’d lived through that others couldn’t ever understand. Doctors have a similar fellowship. But you are doing quite a nice job of acting as a bridge between the two world of medical and non-medical, just as authors like Remarque in “All Quiet on the Western Front” did to explain a military war experience to the naive public that now includes high school English classes.

    Oh, my kids just woke up. Gotta go. But I wanted to ask you to keep writing, and just remember that you can’t please all of the people all of the time.

  9. Kylaon 20 Aug 2008 at 1:10 am 9

    I remember a year, or maybe two years ago, our pediatrician (who is just amazing) called us with some test results for KayTar and while we were on the phone she said, “I had a child code in the office today.” It was so shocking to me and I always remember that. I think most parents, lucky parents, think that pediatricians just check ears and listen to lungs all day, but so much of it is more difficult than that. What you do is difficult, but it is also amazing. Like you said, it is your calling and I think that is what makes you able to bear it all.

    FWIW, I don’t agree with that comment up there at all. I really enjoy your blog and I’m so glad I stumbled upon it.

    Kylas last blog post..Last Day/First Day

  10. Nikkion 20 Aug 2008 at 1:38 am 10

    Intense and beautiful. Thanks

    Nikkis last blog post..Grams, The Sequel

  11. Tatianaon 20 Aug 2008 at 2:13 am 11

    I know the exact blog and comment you are writing about.The comment you made was very nice and simple and its obvious it was not said to hurt feelings, it was just meant to help. I read (I went over to visit Dr. Cason’s site and while I see a ton of information informing parents how to be a good, normal parent, I fail to see the part where she addresses anything that even comes close to what so many of us live with everyday) this comment in its enirety and it was very rude. I just wish people wouldnt jump to the conclusion that they are the only ones that are suffering.

  12. Annie Andersonon 20 Aug 2008 at 2:13 am 12

    Dr. Cason,

    Thank you. These are beautiful words.

    It’s not something I could do - I would lose my sanity. When I was young, I wanted to do something in the medical field but when it comes to things like you describe, I just can’t get through it - even reading it - without bawling. ;-)

    ~ Annie

  13. Marnie (the twin)on 20 Aug 2008 at 2:28 am 13

    That was beautiful Sheila. - Marniebug

  14. Audubon Ronon 20 Aug 2008 at 3:42 am 14

    Newsflash: I’m glad you’re a doc. I’m glad you work with kids. BUT, I’m onto your site for the pics, the recipes, the life observations away from ER, the wife, the mommy and pretty much everything BUT doctoring.

    In some simple but very 20/20 way, you enrich my day AND you’re not checking out my tonsils. Good thing, I got condos growing back there.

    I know your job is hard.

    So your pal little Miss. Snippet needs to go find something that does address anything that even comes close to what so many of what she and her friends live with everyday.

    You need to let that comment roll off your back like water off a duck? Get it, water off a duck, Ducks Mahal, Audubon Ron, I made the philosophical duck connection thingie here…

    …oh never mind, you’re a tough audience tonight! I’ll work on it.

    Audubon Rons last blog post..I Don’t See Why…

  15. Lisaon 20 Aug 2008 at 5:22 am 15

    Well put. I don’t talk about my job on my blog, because, well talking cancer is usually a downer for other people. Most people can’t hear past the C word to listen to all the amazing kids I have had the pleasure of knowing. They just shake their heads and say how sad my job must be.
    And just because your a Dr. doesn’t mean you only aloud to talk shop. It’s your blog, your rules. I’m a fan….

    Lisas last blog post..Divine Secrets Of The Pirate Sisterhood

  16. Dr. Casonon 20 Aug 2008 at 5:33 am 16

    Guin- Hope it wasn’t too harsh. Seriously had a fretful sleep thinking about it.

    White Hot- It’s never too late. I never “wanted” to be a doctor, because as a little kid I didn’t believe I could do it.

    Elizabeth- It’s cloaked believe me. Sometimes even to themselves.

    Mutha Mae- I never thought I’d be misunderstood but I see how it’s really easy. There’s no wink wink or hug or “Oh my gosh! You didn’t take that the wrong way did you?” I love your blog and am glad you were not deterred by some remarks!

    Awesome- Thank you for your kind words. This could easily be titled The Ugly Side of The Medical Field. Everyone in the medical field feels this. I’m not special or especially sensitive. I just happened to write it down.

    Evelyn- Maybe we’re doing what we are called to do. At least for that moment.

    Alesia- I cried writing the post. I would remember one child and then it was like another memory would pop up and then another and another. I felt better at the end. I figure I honor their memory by remembering and telling their story.

    Sarah- :) Everyone meet a good friend. We did our pediatric residency together. Ir’s funny huh Sarah? How little we as docs will talk about the pain and hurt. We just get so so accustomed to it. But it’s out there. And every once in a while it bubbles to the surface. And then bit by bit you hear people say- Oh me too. And you feel better.

    Kyla- I can relate! Especially here, the kids come in really sick. I know as I am dealing with a patient that the waiting room is filling up and people are getting upset. I always ask the staff to let people know that there is an emergency we are dealing with. Most elect to stay and then one by one as I see them later that day, they inquire politely, Is that child okay? People have good hearts.

    Nikki- Thanks

    Moon Mom- And look at me know. Creating all kids of trouble. :) Dad would often talk about the nurse flicking my foot to get me to breath again. As I learned more about preemies, I remember thinking, Ahhh I had Apnea of Prematurity. God bless an attentive nurse!

    Tatiana- Thank you for the reassurance. I didn’t link back to the commenter because I think deep down she knows we all suffer. This is what I am trying to say here in my post. I am not trying to imply I have it tougher. Just that I see it and live and breath it.

    Annie- Oh I’m sorry. See this is why I don’t tell my stories. My immediate family hears it and then wince and then we go back to breakfast.

    Marnie- Poor baby- you have always heard the worst. And you’d sit and ask again- How did that happen!! And we talk all about it.

    Moon Mom- I think she is in pain too. How can we not be when we have a sick child.

    Audubon- Like water off a duck huh? I’m trying. :)

    Moon Mom- Yeah. Audubon is great.

  17. Dr. Casonon 20 Aug 2008 at 5:42 am 17

    Lisa- Have you read Kitchen Table Wisdom? Talks a lot of healing and the inside scoop. Hem-Onc is the toughest.

  18. Lauraon 20 Aug 2008 at 8:36 am 18

    I’m glad you’re doing what you do…and from a distance, I’d say you’re doing a good job of it. I know I couldn’t…I wanted to be a nurse, but now, 20 years later, I realize as I type up reports for my doctors that I would fall apart…I hurt to much, even at a distance. Thank you for sharing your tender heart with us!

    Lauras last blog post..Adventures in childrearing: Milestones

  19. Dawnon 20 Aug 2008 at 12:26 pm 19

    Wow, I’m in abosolute awe of you right now. I knew you were something special, the first minute we met you as our Pedi. You can tell when someone has such heart & compassion for what they do. You are an amazing woman, doctor, mother and humanitarian. We can all only strive to do a small percent of what you do everyday. I’m in tears right now…Truly - we are blessed to have you on this earth looking out for our children.

  20. Trishon 20 Aug 2008 at 1:41 pm 20

    Sheila
    People criticize in others the things about themselves they don’t like. So that person said alot about themselves and the inadequacies they think they have.

    I spent some time in EMS (emergency medical service) as a dispatcher and can, admittedly ever so slightly, understand the pain you have to face on an ongoing basis. Taking a 911 call and listening to a victim being bludgeoned to death with a hammer and not being able to get officers there by magic to save him, and taking a 911 call for a hanging and recognizing a good friends address as I input it in the computer are two calls that are forever memories. But, you do what you have to do to get the point where what you do is indeed a help to the next person who needs you.

    I admire you for the above and beyond that you do - constantly. I don’t even have kids and I still look forward to the pieces of information you put out there because my best friends have children and maybe the info could help me with their children! There is no edict that said when you become a doctor you have to check your feelings at the door and never let anyone know you cry. Thank you for sharing!

    I am proud to know you, and glad I can call you friend. It is BECAUSE of your blogs that I even started writing again. I don’t think I need to tell you this but I want make sure you know …. You make a difference.

    Trishs last blog post..Prosessing in real time

  21. Nora Beeon 20 Aug 2008 at 3:30 pm 21

    This is really lovely. I thought long and hard about going to medical school and wimped out doing cancer prevention research instead. I just can’t do the war. And that’s a luxury I have because people like you step up. Thanks.

    Nora Bees last blog post..Press release: Nora experiences angst; wrings hands

  22. Melissa Lagerquiston 20 Aug 2008 at 3:42 pm 22

    I was surprised to read this person’s quick assessment of you. Obviously, I can’t know what they “live with everyday”, but one of the big reasons why I loved having you as our pediatrician was because I felt you really did understand what I was going through. As a first time parent, I know it helped me to have a pediatrician who not only was a mother herself, but who also had a son very close in age to my own. I needed both medical and parenting advice. If you hadn’t been willing and able to provide both, I might never have gotten any sleep!

    Your blog (at least for me) provides a nice little window into your life. You may be a doctor and have some very useful medical knowledge that I lack, but when it comes down to it, you’re just another mom, another Navy spouse, another person, doing your best to make it through each day the best way you know how. Those insights into other people’s lives make me feel normal, and there is a certain comfort in that.

  23. Dr. Casonon 20 Aug 2008 at 7:45 pm 23

    Moon Mom- Aw..I never knew that. I definitely was lucky. That long ago they didn’t know a lot about preemie babies. The screamers are the toughest. I always applauded those screaming little babies. “You go now!” We’d say. “Tell them all about it!”

    Laura- I don’t fall apart always. Just some of the time. Most of the time it’s great.

    Dawn- You’re sweet. I remember when I met you guys and your little girl and how you two hovered. It was a joy to see such love. She is very lucky to have you both.

    Trish- I never knew all that. We all have some story that breaks our heart. Makes us human. I feel blessed to know you as well my friend.

    Nora Bee- Wimped out!! We need cancer research. Are you kidding me?? Thank God you do that. I was never really into the research side. I glad someone is.

    Melissa- This person is living and dealing with a sick child. It’s really tough. The small glimpse I have had with my son makes me shudder.
    As for your little boy…He’s so sweet! I remember your tears. I felt so bad for you and I could so relate. I love connecting with my families. Deep down we’re friends of a different sort.

  24. Chrison 21 Aug 2008 at 12:34 pm 24

    Hey Doc,

    I missed this yesterday I got busy at school trying to prepare for the opening day so here’s my tow cents.

    I don’t often blog about work and when I do I try to keep it very general. I do this purposely because I want to respect my students privacy even though I don’t ever mention them. I also try not say too many things that I witness that happens with my students because people will be really shock on what goes on with our students lives.

    I love the fact that you keep your blog light when it comes to your profession because anything heavy should be between you and your patients.

    In addition, you shouldn’t also feel compelled to talk about things that are very personal just so people will feel that you understand them.

    With or without your list, I already know that you are better than me because everyday you carry the burden of fixing people when they are broken.

    Chriss last blog post..Divine Intervention

  25. Lanceon 21 Aug 2008 at 12:38 pm 25

    You care. And that’s a wonderful gift you have. I know, it’s easy to take what one person says as the truth. We’ve all done it. The thing is, though, that you are a caring, loving, believing doctor (and mother, and wife, and citizen, and …). I believe this. I believe this because I feel it in all your writing, and especially in this one.

    What you do as a doctor is nothing short of amazing. And that’s just being a doctor. And then you care. After seeing so much hurt. And that is just such a great gift you have to your patients. So, don’t stop being who you are, or what you do.

    I think you’re awesome!

  26. Nell Maloneon 22 Aug 2008 at 12:22 am 26

    I feel so fortunate to have “stumbled upon” your blog. Anyone would be inspired and awestruck by your candor and grace. As an aspiring med student, I feel I have found a true mentor. What words are there, except, thank you.

    n

    Nell Malones last blog post..The Ugly Side of Being a Doctor (Just in case you don’t want to follow the link in my last post)

  27. Dot H.on 22 Aug 2008 at 1:10 am 27

    Wow! That was a dose of reality of a kind I’ve never read before. How sad to have such memories haunting you, but I’m grateful you were able to put them into words so that we could share a little bit of what you go through.

    I hope you have a part of your life that’s a complete break from all of that, peaceful or active but not life-or-death. I think a person would need to be very good to themselves to counterbalance all the pain that you deal with and feel.

    Thank you for revealing to us what a doctor goes through.

  28. Shaheedon 22 Aug 2008 at 1:46 am 28

    Im a medical student, and i just stumbled across your site — very randomly. Its tough — being in med school… in a caribbean country — where I can relate to a lot of what you said. I think I just got my “second wind”…. Thank you.

    Shaheeds last blog post..Home Depot Scam

  29. Moshon 22 Aug 2008 at 4:38 am 29

    MD too, and thank you for wording this.. Cause it adds this way. I know. I feel it. But couldnt write it. And it hurts. And then(as they say) we give, till it hurts.

    But i still think we’ve got the best ‘job’ in the world. Thanks.

  30. Dr. Casonon 22 Aug 2008 at 6:50 am 30

    Chris- It’s the inside job though that really tells the little things of life and makes us aware of our humanity. I respect their privacy and won’t telling details that are distinct. But I do think there is a place to let people in.

    Lance- Thank you for such kind words. I feel your passion in your writing as well. It’s what makes it so unique and why I come back for more and more.

    Nell- Please come back! We all were there when the goal was still far off and wondered what happened way off in the future. I’m honored to be your mentor!

    Dot- My photography is a break from all that. Just to look at the world seeing beauty all around.

    Shaheed- Awww…memories!! Med school was really tough. Each week I would take a break and go to church- I was never a church goer before but gradually made my way during med school. So each week I sat quietly in the pews and listened to what goodness and honesty and integrity meant. I really FELT what was important and it healed me from the previous week. For a moment I stopped worrying about the grades and tests and competition and remembered why I went into medicine in the first place. It was to connect and to heal. And you know what? Years later that’s what I’m doing. You will be too. Let me know if there is anything I can do.

    Mosh- I’m glad to articulate it. I wonder what others would say. Perhaps a book in the making?? The true unabashed side of medicine. It is the best though I agree.

  31. Sara Rosson 22 Aug 2008 at 11:46 am 31

    Hi Sheila-

    Wow! and I thought I was having a bad week. This puts life into perspective. You got me good at number 50. It would only be the third time I cried this week and two of those times were at work - one of which was in a meeting- bad scene!

    But, like I said, this puts everything into perspective.

    Keep doing what you are doing. You are doing great.

  32. Nithinon 22 Aug 2008 at 12:02 pm 32

    That’s de most inspiring thing i’ve read this week..(.accidently bumped into this page!)…
    Kudos 2 ye…i’m from Kerala,India…n now a fourth year medical student…n yeah…i reached medical school since ma parents badly wanted their kid 2 wear steth! It took me such a long time 2 fall in luv wid de course…!
    Great meeting ye! So here’s ma first official HI 2 u…n when time permits checkin 2 my blog too…im trying ma hands in spreadin smiles! :-)
    Nithins last blog post..“PROUD 2 B” WATTTTT???

  33. kcinnovaon 22 Aug 2008 at 9:05 pm 33

    This is a poignant post.

    I understand why that mother thanked you for crying. Compassion is hugely important (and something that can’t be taught).
    Prayer and tears and toughness got my RN husband through a tour in Iraq.

    kcinnovas last blog post..WWC#48: Bittersweet

  34. Nell Maloneon 23 Aug 2008 at 11:30 am 34

    Thank you for your response… and for sure, I will be reading your blog daily. I’ve subscribed to your feed.

    How delightful!
    best,
    n

    Nell Malones last blog post..The sound of the end of waiting

  35. amandaon 23 Aug 2008 at 4:21 pm 35

    hey thanks for being someone that cares. i hope you find peace someday.

  36. tedon 23 Aug 2008 at 6:29 pm 36

    That was tremendously touching and inspiring! It reminded me of why I am putting all this work into school and taking a vow of poverty(lol) to hopefully study medicine one day. I say that because I am a 48 yo late bloomer. Keep up the good work.

  37. Dr. Casonon 23 Aug 2008 at 8:26 pm 37

    Sara R.- Number 50 got me too. Well I guess they all did but that one was particularly hard. I’m sorry you had a bad week. :(

    Nithin- My parents weren’t docs. It must be interesting to see your child go through what was so unique an experience. I’m not sure if any of my kids will go into the field. Already they pretend to answer the phone and say, Hello, this is Dr. Cason!!

    Kcinnova- Wow practicing medicine in a real war zone. Doubly hard. I can’t imagine.

    Nell- I really am enjoying your blog. Keep up the good work!

    Amanda- How nice of you to say. I think I have. I think.

    Ted- I commend you for going after your dreams and not being pigeon holed into what society says is the proper and right way. There is no right way.

  38. Amy Wrighton 24 Aug 2008 at 11:51 am 38

    Dr. Carson,

    I just stumbled upon your blog through The Pioneer Woman, of all places. Before I was at The Pioneer Woman’s blog, I was reading a blog of a friend of a friend who just watched their son go be with the Lord today. I grieved with them. I am a mother and the worst thing that I can imagine is losing a child. You see this fear lived out all too often. Thanks for being there for people like the friend of my friend.

  39. Leanne Magraithon 24 Aug 2008 at 9:40 pm 39

    Dedication, Caring, Compassion and Skill. You can not ask for any more from a Doctor. That is the ultimate!

    Leanne Magraiths last blog post..Take 2 - Personal Development: Seven Shortcomings

  40. Dr. Casonon 25 Aug 2008 at 5:35 am 40

    Amy- That’s so sad. We should take every moment and thank the universe for what has been blessed to us. I know I just did reading what you wrote.

    Leanne- Thank you.

  41. Queen Mommyon 25 Aug 2008 at 11:29 am 41

    I saw the post that prompted this post…It is so hard for words to be light as they are so powerful.

    Regardless, you are truly amazing. I have three healthy (thank you Lord) children and I have yet to hear of or experience a pediatrician who cares the way you do. We are in and out of our office and barely a “real”conversation is had. It all seems so formulaic to me. My youngest has red hair and is one of a handful of our doctor’s patients with red hair. When having this conversation with her it came out that she has about 1,000 patients. Um, wow…or sad, I am not sure which.

    Bottom line? Keep up the good work and thank you for doing what you do with such great care.

    Queen Mommys last blog post..It is not the size that bothers me, it’s the length

  42. Dr. Casonon 25 Aug 2008 at 8:32 pm 42

    Queen- Sooo many kids. Not so many docs at least not around here. It’s tough to keep then all straight. It’s why to remain caring and compassionate I HAVE to work part time. It’s the only way I have any strength to keep coming back for more!

  43. Priya Joyceon 25 Aug 2008 at 9:15 pm 43

    I feel every profession is interesting and every profession has a time the plateau time wen we want to get rid of it and tats wat has to be avoide.

    Priya Joyces last blog post.."The Complete man"……..!!!!

  44. Dr Jasonon 26 Aug 2008 at 5:57 am 44

    This was both a great and terrible story…and all too true. Too often as doctors/surgeons we breeze past events and things that most people find horrifying. I never could have written this post because it often hurts too much to dredge up things like this…I felt nauseated reading this knowing what you felt, and how you felt and having been in those situations. Just remember doctors are people too and we in generally really do our best and want to help our patients and their families sometimes at the expense of ourselves.
    Great site and blog…keep it up.

  45. catherineon 27 Aug 2008 at 11:38 am 45

    Dear Doc,
    My life’s dream was medicine, it did not happen, buried my child, I am honored to have stumbled this site. May the Lord Bless and keep you.
    Sincerely,
    Catherine

  46. Dr Atheiston 30 Aug 2008 at 11:42 pm 46

    Great post. Might have been greater if it was not full of prayers. Our job as medicine professionals is very important but not very rewarding for ourselves since things we can’t do outnumber things we can, but I am sure this has nothing to do with God and prayers. In a few decades, we’ll be able to do better and better, as we can do better and better today compared to decades before.

    Please believe in science and positive thought, the worst deeds have been done in the name of religion and it is one of the biggest chains tied to our feet. If we let God do as he pleases and do nothing ourselves, then decades will mean nothing in our immobility and the sun will still be revolving around the earth (it does, you know).

    And we never went to the moon actually, it is a hoax (there are thousands who believe in this.)

    So, get rid of your beliefs and try to understand life better.

  47. Feroxon 03 Sep 2008 at 10:19 pm 47

    Dr Atheist, it doesn’t matter what you believe, so long as you believe you can keep going.

    I’m a Vet student, and once considered going into medicine. I chose not to because I didn’t really want patients whose words would haunt me, and thought that dealing with animals would be easier than dealing with humans. But you quickly find out that the humans are everywhere and you still need to deal with their emotions, and your own.

    For me, medicine is still a game because I haven’t had anything die on me that wasn’t deliberate euthanasia. For vets death is more often than not a decision (and someone else’s decision at that), not so much a loss in the war.

    I have that luxury of distance. You don’t, but you seem to keep going.

    Feroxs last blog post..Cow Vets vs. Horse Vets

  48. Dr. Casonon 04 Sep 2008 at 8:11 am 48

    Priya- You are spot on! Every profession is interesting and unique to the person that chose it. Just make sure you are doing that which moves you and you should be happy.

    Catherine- I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope that one day you can realize your dream. It truly is an amazing profession. I feel blessed.

    Dr Atheist- To each his own. That’s how we understand life better.

    Ferox- That’s true. They are everywhere and you must find a way through it all. Death is tough- human or otherwise. I empathize with anyone that has had to struggle to find peace amidst the pain.

  49. Dr. Casonon 04 Sep 2008 at 8:23 am 49

    Dr Jason- I missed you- I’m sorry. It’s nice to hear the thoughts of another doctor. Sometimes I think I’m the only one who is bothered by all this and of course I’m not. People are people and by definition we relate.

  50. Shammazon 08 Sep 2008 at 1:39 pm 50

    I am en route to becoming a doctor today as I study at University.

    I stumbled upon this website, blog or whatever it is. And to be honest, reading the first few points made me realise I want to be a Doctor more than anything.

    I can see it’s not the prettiest job in the world, much less a job. It’s definitely a lifestyle.

    I can see what is going through the head of a Doctor at such times as during a baby dying, or an ambulance approaching and you standing there expecting the worst.

    It’s almost a heroes lifestyle, but much less recognised.

    I thank all the Doctors out there for choosing to do what I consider the most honorable job in the world.

    They all deserve the thanks and praise that they simply don’t receive.

  51. Joshon 09 Sep 2008 at 3:10 am 51

    Dr. Cason, thank you for your beautiful words. What you wrote above is very much like poetry. The image I had in my head was of words, emotions, encounters all falling together down the page to merge at the end like the pool at the bottom of a waterfall. Would you ever consider submitting this to a journal for publication?

    I’m a former med student who is searching my heart to figure out whether I should go back and continue my studies to become a doctor. Most of what I gather from the writing of other physicians, through their essays and in talking with them, is a great amount of frustration with the state of the profession these days. My question to you (if you don’t mind my asking it), is the reward there, is there satisfaction and joy in your job? If everything you do is so hard and time-consuming and sometimes even gut wrenching to experience, what drives you to continue as a doc? What is the incentive to battle through tough years of schooling, long hours of training and work (not financially speaking)?

    Josh

  52. Dr. Casonon 09 Sep 2008 at 8:04 am 52

    Shammaz- Don’t let the pain or potential distress deter you. If you feel compelled that that means it’s the right way for you. I remember someone discouraging me and I brushed them right off. I’ve never been in it for the financial rewards and as the years go on the reimbursements are down. It’s the people and the privilege to help them that makes it worthwhile.

    Josh- Thank you for the kind words. It’s now a push to get me thinking again to why I do this. In my heart in know why but my head says a lot of different things. I’ll follow up soon. :)

  53. DrCason.org » A Doctor’s Lifeon 09 Sep 2008 at 2:25 pm 53

    [...] post The Ugly Side of Being a Doctor was written as a quick response to a blogger’s comment. It gained a lot of attention and now [...]

  54. Kathleenon 10 Sep 2008 at 12:17 pm 54

    SHEILA - I hope you see this post under this older blog.

    Such a beautiful and caring heart you have. You may not have had plans on being a doctor, but I can tell that God (yes God, Dr Atheist) hand-picked you for this task - and He also put you right there in Guam to touch all of these hearts and souls you have touched.

    Your tenderness shines so sweetly:

    “I pray for the abandoned comatose girl in the PICU.
    I gave her a sponge bath, combed her hair and put in little braids.
    The nurses wrote me up.”

    Don’t EVER let others stop this tenderness. It is so needed in the medical profession. Yes, doctors are smart - but no one ever needs to forget God created us and gave us the incredible body and brains we have.

    I have to tell you a story about my very special friend, my rheumatologist. When both of my sons were very young, I was suddenly struck with rheumatoid arthritis and osteoarthritis. The pain was unbearable, and I went through months of this pain under the care of my very special rheumatologist, Dr. Lowell Robison, until he found a treatment my body could tolerate.

    When I would go in, he would do everything possible to ease my pain. But what he gave me was so important - HOPE. When I would ask him with tears in my eyes if I was going to be able to continue working and raise my two sons, he always gave me this HOPE. Disability was a very present fear of mine. I was divorced, I was all they had to raise them. He would always assure me we would find a treatment, we would get it under control, I would raise my sons, and his kindness and hope kept me going.

    Well we have both celebrated I am still working, my sons are raised and have their own families now, and I am a grandmother times 4 with another on the way.

    Yesterday, I had to say goodbye to Dr. Robison at my appointment. He is retiring. Before I knew it, I reached up and gave him a big hug goodbye and we were both crying. He was not just my doctor, he was my best friend too. He also shared with me I had been one of his most difficult patients to treat at the beginning, but he praised I had fought to stay on my feet - and we had won the battle together.

    This is the type of doctor I know you are also. Bless you and those you touch always. Someday one of your patients will give you a big hug when you retire too…..

  55. santoshon 12 Sep 2008 at 11:14 pm 55

    you put me to tears
    and i am a doctor too
    santosh dhungana
    nepal

  56. Kittyon 20 Sep 2008 at 11:51 am 56

    That made me cry and cry. Thank goodness there are people like you in the medical profession.

    On a more personal level, do you know of any forum that links up death and end of life care? I am watching my boyfriend die right now and its both humbling and gut wrenching.

  57. Dr. Casonon 20 Sep 2008 at 8:21 pm 57

    Kathleen- And I’ll sob just as much as the patients. Thank you for the kind words and wonderful story.

    Santosh- We have our ups and downs don’t we?

    Kitty- Oh no- How hard that must be. No I haven’t heard of anything on the net but have you tried a local hospice? There are wonderful at tying in the emotional needs of the patient and their family!

  58. Kimon 22 Sep 2008 at 2:08 pm 58

    Oh my….

    This is something else.

    Probably the most moving thing I’ve read in 3 years of blogging.

    I need to wait for my eyes to stop watering before I move on.

    You are a beautiful writer.

    May I submit this to “Grand Rounds” on your behalf?

    Kims last blog post..BlogWorldExpo 09 - We Can DO This!!

  59. Dr. Casonon 22 Sep 2008 at 2:53 pm 59

    Kim-

    Thank you so much for your incredibly kind words. I have received so many nice comments from people all over that I am continuously amazed and grateful that people take the time to comment.

    Yes you may submit it. Thank you so much for the offer.

    I think maybe in some way this piece brings up all the individual cases that we all have experienced. I never wanted to talk about it but now that I have, I think of all the beautiful aspects as well!

  60. Grand Rounds 5:1 - In Your Own Words // Emergiblogon 23 Sep 2008 at 11:52 pm 60

    [...] Cason, The Ugly Side of Being a Doctor: I’ve resuscitated babies in a Walmart and a pizza joint. I’ve run to multiple car [...]

  61. Mollyon 24 Sep 2008 at 8:46 am 61

    Beautiful. Know you are not alone with these experiences and thoughts. As a former ICU/CCU nurse I too have been in the same place. You do these acts of kindness and goodness because it is the right thing to do. You know that life is just a crap shoot, but more precious than all the riches of the world. Be kind, the world can be so cold.

  62. rogue medicon 24 Sep 2008 at 3:11 pm 62

    Dr. Atheist,

    It is sad when scientists believe that the repeated trips to the moon never happened. Conspiracy theories are result of a lack of understanding of how common coincidence is in our lives.

    rogue medics last blog post..Narcan Solves Riddle - Part IV

  63. Medical Check Up » Blog Archive » Grand Rounds 5:1 - In Your Own Wordson 24 Sep 2008 at 8:20 pm 63

    [...] [...]

  64. dextroon 20 Oct 2008 at 8:08 am 64

    I’m a doctor myself, I can see what you feel. I had the same thing to face here. We’re a doctor. Our duty is to understand people out, but has no right to ask to be understood. We’re healer,we’re no god, we only have to do what we can do and we must do. Not what others want us to do.
    last post: “do’s and don’ts to save your backbone”

  65. Vera Lynnon 25 Oct 2008 at 7:16 am 65

    The compassion for your patients that you describe is absolutely inspiring. I have a lot of respect for you and your work.

  66. Dr. Casonon 25 Oct 2008 at 12:59 pm 66

    Molly- Absolutely. Everyone does this. And not just in medicine. It’s everywhere. We do things because it’s the right thing to do. :)

    Dextro- We just owe it to ourselves to grieve and process that though tough at times what we do is good and we mean well. That’s all we can expect.

    Vera- Thank you. But it’s a small part of this world that is inspiring. My patients inspire me. Just to keep going and smiling all the way.

  67. Sunnyon 27 Oct 2008 at 1:09 pm 67

    Dr. Cason, thank you for showing a doctor with a heart. I stumbled across your website and this blog made me cry. I do not know you but I felt your love for your young patients. I would definitely feel comfortable leaving my sick child with you because I would feel that you would treat them as if they were your own.

    No, you are not God. Yes, you are a doctor and you can’t bring back the dead but it seems you are doing the best you can to keep children healthy. May God bless you.

  68. Taraon 30 Oct 2008 at 8:55 pm 68

    There is nothing self absorbed in this at all! I know as a nurse I frequently run into things that upset me and I have difficulty with some things. I find that alot of the negative things that I have experienced I keep to myself. We build our own coping mechanisms for the stresses and heartbreak that we feel. Who want to hear of all the things that we have seen or heard?
    It takes a strong person to be a doctor! God Bless you! The world need more ppl like you- caring and passionate about what you do.

  69. Amyon 01 Nov 2008 at 12:06 pm 69

    As a med student considering a pediatric specialty, I am touched by your writing. Every day I fight the battle of the soul between taking care of my own needs and giving all to my patients. God bless you and keep plugging.

  70. Jannieon 06 Dec 2008 at 1:40 pm 70

    I’ve rather prided myself on being “better” wth human suffering than with pets’. This post proves me wrong. I am crying like one of these poor babies you watched die. I am humbled.

    Jannies last blog post..Well, it was Thanksgiving Friday and all…

  71. Jon Slateron 08 Dec 2008 at 2:54 am 71

    Here I am with five more office days before I wind up and become a full time medical administrator, and this post resonates with me. We become paediatricians for a large number of complex reasons, many of which I’m sure are hidden to us. Yes there are awful moments, but because of what we do there are so many wonderful ones as well. More birthdays, more graduations, more dreams reached.

    And yet, we remember each and every child who didn’t do well. We play it over, wondering if we could have done better. That makes us human.

    The sorrow in our own lives makes us more human. We don’t know how the other person feels when they have a child with a serious illness, but we have learned through bitter personal experience how they want to be treated. Hopefully, that makes us better physicians.

    Thank you for your blog, both the medical insights and the photography.

  72. Dr. Casonon 08 Dec 2008 at 9:20 am 72

    Sunny- So sweet to say and I hope to carry a passion for kids forever. I always feel so honored when parents come and request me- word of mouth has spread. It’s a little report card on how I’m doing.

    Tara- Thank you for the words. Self absorbed at times but now realizing that this is necessary. If we cont to squash it all down, we burn out. The tears help heal.

    Amy- And you will continue that struggle always. It’s better to realize it now though and create ways to cope. Talking helps me the most. Sometimes it’s complaining other times, it’s just talking.

    Jannie- Oh Jannie. Crying just means your human and you feel the pain just like anyone else. As for me, I sob with pets too.

    Jon- Wow! 5 more days…And will they be double booked or will you linger with each patient? For some reason, I think that I am unique and hold on to the memories more. With this post I realize that I’m not unique. That we all care and hope to do right by our patients and ourselves. BTW- Nice photos on your site as well! I will go back and look some more but clinic is about to jump off. :)

  73. Off to Med Schoolon 26 Dec 2008 at 7:44 am 73

    Thank you for that. We need more doctors like that. I’ll be starting med school next year and hope to later in life be able to say something like this. I’ve been a patient all my life and can’t wait to give back.

  74. Dr. Casonon 26 Dec 2008 at 1:22 pm 74

    Off to med school- Oh my goodness you are on for a ride! But it really is fun and hard at the same time. Don’t get wraped around the grades. Just do your best and leave medical school still loving medicine and the patients!

  75. Anna Esparhamon 04 Jan 2009 at 12:21 am 75

    Happy New Year Dr. Cason
    I have been a follower of your blog for a couple months when i started my blog. I loved it sooo much that as a future pediatrician I really look up to you. Even though medical school was difficult, I think that it made all the difference in my life as it was a huge personal learning experience. I grew as a person and began to learn things about myself I never knew until medical school pushed me out of my comfort zone. How do you do it all??? taking care of your kids, practicing pediatrics, doing photography, and taking care of chores around the house. I can’t keep up with my dog and my house alone…

    Anna Esparhams last blog post..A prayer

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