I’m Looking for the Positive
Posted by Dr. Cason on Monday, September 29th, 2008
You are looking for the positive.
You see it in glimpses
Through the tears. And the tears keep coming. Through the night. You wake up and cry through the shower, through the drive to work and God help you sporadically through the office. You choke back the tears when they ask you how he is. Fine you say. Looking good.
And you enjoy the little things.
* * *
They smell like puppy dogs, all grubby from romping through the fields. It’s a familiar smell and you don’t mind. You just nuzzle in and memorize that feeling.
You look at your husband and smile through all the yelling at the table. You all hold hands. That’s 6 little hands wrapped together with 4 bigger hands. It’s your turn you say to Smiling Boy. He looks up. Eyes- no kidding- gleaming and waiting. The other two have to stop eating. You all say it simply-
“Come Lord Jesus
Be our guest
And may our daily bread be blessed.”
* * *
You walk into the daycare one morning and sit with the kind lead teacher. The one who tells you of all the personal antics of your boy. The little bits and pieces that make up his world and always make you feel so connected. You’re waiting for the oatmeal and soy milk to cool. You unwrap the banana and she starts a story. You expect a cute antic but then she says,
“I was rowing yesterday and it started to rain. Rain poured down everywhere all around us in the boat and the water.”
She speaks slowly and you are looking at her petite five foot nothing strong body imagining her out with her team on the water, doing their daily evening practice. You can see the dark sky and feel the rain.
“And then…then the fish start jumping.
Over the boat.
One by one.”
She smiles at you. A big genuine lovely smile and says,
“It was cool.”
And you smile back. It’s getting better.
Filed in My Life | 10 responses so far
Kathleenon 30 Sep 2008 at 12:46 am 1Sheila – I know how you are feeling so much. I went through a similar situation with my precious Tommy. Around 2-3 years, he would be walking and suddenly just collapse to the ground. We rushed him to the ER at least twice, and nothing – they could find NOTHING. The third time it happened I said to my husband, “This child is going to Campbell Clinic. Dr. Sage will know what is happening.” Fortunately I knew Dr. Sage, and called. He was in the clinic. We went immediately to see him. Tommy walked down the hallway and back once, Dr. Sage looked at me and said, “This child has a neurological problem.”
Dr. Sage referred him to a doc at LeBonheur. A lady I worked with told Dr. Larry Chien at St. Jude about Tommy’s problem, by that afternoon Tommy was a patient at St. Jude instead. We came in the next morning to start the tests. It was next to impossible to give a good family history and rule out such things as muscular dystrophy because my biological father was out of the picture (deceased by that time), and he had been adopted by his aunt (also deceased). So we had to go on testing alone.
That was on Friday, and by Monday we had a diagnosis – my son had mild cerebral palsy. When Dr. Chien saw his medical records (and my present GYN also as I was pregnant with Nicholas at that time), they both wanted me to sue this OB/GYN and put him out of practice. He had almost let Tommy and I both die before an emergency C-section. It was a miracle they said we were both alive, and an even greater miracle Tommy was not severely handicapped by the CP.
I went through several years of taking the advice of Tommy’s precious doctors (sometimes not agreeing with them). Tommy also had an auditory processing problem as well. The good news was Tommy tested at genius level, and they said the motor portion of his brain damaged was so small that the other parts would take over for this.
They did. He is now married, athletic, handsome, great health, has two twins, and is a Web Development Coordinator (programmer) at ALSAC (fundraising arm of St. Jude). You would never know he has a diagnosis of CP.
So what I am saying this for is to let you know you are dong the right thing – you are seeking the answers for Jakey just as I did. God will help you find them, and someday Jakey will be just like my Tommy. Hang in there and keep your faith. I am praying for you and Jakey.
Kathleens last blog post..Nascar Racing and Riding Cowboy
Lisaon 30 Sep 2008 at 2:35 am 2And in this moment there are people you’ve never met hoping good things for you family, and wanting your son to be okay. That’s a positive to carry in your day.
Lisas last blog post..How Do I Love Thee, Let Me Count The Ways….
Kathleenon 30 Sep 2008 at 2:41 am 3Lisa – That is such a beautiful thought and so true. Jakey has a multitude of angels watching and praying over him right now.
Kathleens last blog post..Nascar Racing and Riding Cowboy
Kelly Ruemmeleon 30 Sep 2008 at 4:03 am 4Shelia, I’m one of those people, praying for your strength, for your anxiety and sadness, so difficult being a mom and a pediatrician, knowing too much. Keep posting, get all of your emotions out, I had post-partum depression and still struggling 2 years later. Let yourself feel, then move on to the positive, hard to do while trying to live, work, and be sane for your three kids. So, peace, I wish you peace.
What a wonderful story about Kathleen’s son, I love to hear those from a “retired” pediatric nurse, I almost never heard the whole story about my patients. What a blessing!
tiffon 30 Sep 2008 at 7:17 am 5Hi Sheila,
You know, I know.
I hope you also know my heart is with yours.
Hang onto those good bits. They are what get you through.
Here is one from our recent hospital admission…
She had lost three days of her life. Could not remember anything, not the return from the holiday, the departure of her grandmother, the arrival to the ER. When she woke, almost 48 hours post admission, she climbed onto my lap, her body tiny next to mine. She leaned her face close to mine, kissed me on the chhek and whispered,
“I love you too”.
All the worry and stress disolved in that moment and I will hang onto it for a very long time.
tiffs last blog post..Happy Birthday to me
chrison 30 Sep 2008 at 7:31 am 6I have nothing to say…If you guys were near, I would invite you to my house so that your family and my family could hang out and share a meal together and we can thank the blessings that we all have…
Chase Marchon 30 Sep 2008 at 9:35 am 7There is so much beauty around us and much to behold in “small moments.”
I think we just need to be receptive to these moments, to recognize them, and appreciate all of them.
I’m sure we all have these golden moments in our daily lives, even in the times that seem totally devoid of anything good.
Chase Marchs last blog post..Chase March – on a podcast!
Patriciaon 30 Sep 2008 at 1:30 pm 8Prayer and good moments….each moment is perfect and whole and beautiful. The answers will come with a lot of joy in the moments in between – focus on the moments and keep searching for the answers – they will come.
Lots of prayers headed your way…
Patricias last blog post..I Need to Tell You This
Barbara Swaffordon 01 Oct 2008 at 1:19 pm 9Hi Dr. Cason,
Your last sentence said it all. “It’s getting better”.
Barbara Swaffords last blog post..NBOTW – Helping You – Helping Others
kimon 11 May 2009 at 2:31 am 10Your photography is spectacular! I have found art to be very healing in my efforts to “be happy”. Look within to find what happiness means to you personally – and not how others (or society) would define it for you.