Bali Cooking School and a Tightness in My Tummy AKA Just Why Am I Doing This?
Posted by Dr. Cason on Thursday, October 9th, 2008
Flickr is flickering and fluttering like a struggling flame to upload my photos and I feel a tightness in my stomach. I have the photos all ready and I’ve promised to talk more of the Bali cooking school. But I can’t because I am depending on a program that isn’t functioning right. Or at least taking forever to get it done.
It’s almost 8 and I have the cleaner all sprayed and the toilets waiting to be wiped, dishes to be washed and clinic starts in an hour. No I haven’t showered yet.
Hubby asked me last night, “Why are you doing this? To feel important?”
“No!” I said defensively “I like it. I do.”
“So can you skip a day?”
“No” and my stomach lurched.
“Why?”
“Because I made a commitment.”
“To Whom?”
“Myself”
“Oh. So it’s the fear of failure.”
“Uh…”
Does it matter? Really? I ask myself. No not to the exclusion of family, health, work, friends, hobbies.
How much do I need to be needed. A lot? A little?
Can I feel good without the blogging, the writing the reaching out and pulling people in or pushing them away? Is it all narcissism? Insecurity? Why am I doing this? Or anything for that matter?
Is seeing patients enough? Being a mom enough? Do I have to add more on? Every day? Are we fulfilling goals just to fill them up. Just to give me something to do?
I would, could sit and ponder this BUT Flickr survived and the photos are done. Back to the task at hand. Here’s the peek
She smiled and kept giving me an offering for the temple. I took it and smiled back.
Here’s our sweet balls of rice. We ate them with our fingers while juggling hot bitter coffee.
Brightly colored ingredients held my fancy…..But then so did the chickens. And now it gets me thinking.
The little chickens are contained gently in the basket. They know it. It’s obvious.
But the ones above look free to go. They sit there peacefully, looking content but really their legs are tied. They couldn’t leave even if they wanted to. I wonder if they know they will be someone’s dinner.
I have to go now. Clean that bathroom and ponder that important question.
What about you? Just why are you doing IT? Whatever that may be.
Do you feel trapped like these chickens?
Filed in My Life, Self Improvement |
Nikkion 09 Oct 2008 at 8:33 am 1Why do anything really! I’m trying to convince Chris that we should just sell all of our belongings and move to Costa Rica or some obscure island. Maybe Bali. Buy a modest house on the beach and live life to the fullest. Maybe I’m crazy, he sure thinks so but it’s a good dream isn’t it. Well only if there’s internet access of course
I’m sure no one would mind if you took a break though. You are the only blog I read that updates EVERY day. Although I will admit that I was shocked at 4am when I stopped by and there was nothing there! Shocked, but I made it.
Nikkis last blog post..Accessories and Such
Kathleenon 09 Oct 2008 at 8:33 am 2I don’t feel trapped like the chickens, but OMG I am feeling aweful after having chicken two times this week. Poor babies. Wish I loved veggies and could be a vegetarian - but it is not for me.
I don’t blog every day as you do Sheila. I feel guilty when I go for a while and do not blog. I really do. Sometimes I just do not know what to blog about.
Lisaon 09 Oct 2008 at 8:45 am 3OK I’m weirded out by the cooking class that displays live chickens. I’d have to pass on that….
I am trapped….. in my job. Temporarily. I am currently lining up some interviews….
Lisas last blog post..Hail Seizure! (oops, I mean Ceasar)
Amy Wrighton 09 Oct 2008 at 10:54 am 4I think that this is the one thing that I actually do for myself. And I love it so I don’t think I’ll apologize for it.
If you miss a day, it’s okay, but I really do enjoy reading your blog. So please don’t stop!!!
Kristinon 09 Oct 2008 at 10:57 am 5I have found that I love to blog. I love to put my thoughts out there and give my tips on making life easier, or cleaner and I love that every so often my cousin or my aunt posts a comment. I know they read every day and I think it’s cool. I live across the country from my family (certainly not as far away as you are from your family) but I really enjoy that my family can check into my blog and read about what my husband and I have been up to. I just wish my family would start their own blogs!
I try to blog each day and I’ve only missed a few days this year. I really do love to blog and wouldn’t change a thing.
Have a fabulous day!
Kristin
Kristins last blog post..WFMW - Pack & Ship
Evelyn Limon 09 Oct 2008 at 12:02 pm 6I know that your post today is about blogging but your pictures just took my breath away!! They are so beautiful! The colors are vivid, the details are awesome! Wow. Simply wow!
Now…what did you say your question was on again?
Evelyn Lims last blog post..What Enneagram Profile Type Am I?
tiffon 09 Oct 2008 at 4:10 pm 7I feel trapped but in a different way. I feel that I can’t blog the way I want to for fear of pushing others away. I always worry too much about what others think. Silly I know. Some days I think whatever, I’m so over this and then other days I remember why I started, for me and for a reminder of how life was.
Your photos are very beautiful.
myston 09 Oct 2008 at 9:15 pm 8I just love your photos…they are stunning.
I do feel a little like I’m just doing IT at the moment with work, I have taken on more work which I do enjoy, but it’s wearing me down a bit.
It’s that commitment thing.
As far as blogging goes, I’m very spasmodic at the moment - if I can’t blog I don’t - but then end up doing a marathon/’eye bleeding’ post!
G
xx
Dr. Casonon 10 Oct 2008 at 7:24 am 9Nikki- Really! Why do anything? I agree. I guess it comes down to whether you like it or not!
Kathleen- Blog what’s in your heart. I think some people think they have to write a story or an ancedote. Maybe it can just be a collection of feelings. For now- hurt, anger, despair, quiet, contemplation, forgiveness, sorrow, transition.
Lisa- It was at the open outdoor market and it was so cool. I’ll get to the actual cooking part later on. Are you sleeping more?
Amy- Thanks. I actually really like it and have to give myself permission not to make it a job but just a way to express myself and have fun.
Kristen- I loved your recent tip! Keep it up.
Evelyn- HA HA! Your post made me think and ponder my question even more!
tiff- I hear you. There are still parts of me that write in a private journal because I need to get things out but it’s not appropriate to put it on display. I love reading your journey and am grateful you found me.
Myst- Funny! With blogging everyday I find I write shorter things. I wonder whether I should back off and write longer posts less frequently. Hmmm?
Kylaon 10 Oct 2008 at 7:59 am 10I do it (blogging) because I need the outlet.
I do it (school) because it is a step towards something I’d like to accomplish.
I do it (mothering) because I love these kids so much!
Kylas last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Exam Week
Kathleenon 10 Oct 2008 at 9:13 am 11“Kathleen- Blog what’s in your heart. I think some people think they have to write a story or an ancedote. Maybe it can just be a collection of feelings. For now- hurt, anger, despair, quiet, contemplation, forgiveness, sorrow, transition.”
Sheila - Right now I don’t think I could even express what is in my heart. It is too far from my vocabulary I fear. I guess it will have to heal a while before I can. Thanks though - good idea. Maybe later, we will see.
I need to find some uplifting stories for my animal rescue friends for my blog. Right now I need to get back into what I enjoy doing - trying to save animals through the internet and also monitoring chatrooms to help a police friend bust paedophiles.
Note to mothers and dads: Please monitor and block chatrooms. I have been doing this for a while, and you would be shocked how often I have referred a person who was busted.