It’s almost 8 and I have the cleaner all sprayed and the toilets waiting to be wiped, dishes to be washed and clinic starts in an hour. No I haven’t showered yet.

Hubby asked me last night,  “Why are you doing this? To feel important?”

“No!” I said defensively “I like it. I do.”

“So can you skip a day?”

“No” and my stomach lurched.

“Why?”

“Because I made a commitment.”

“To Whom?”

“Myself”

“Oh. So it’s the fear of failure.”

“Uh…”

Does it matter? Really? I ask myself. No not to the exclusion of family, health, work, friends, hobbies.

How much do I need to be needed. A lot? A little?

Can I feel good without the blogging, the writing the reaching out and pulling people in or pushing them away? Is it all narcissism? Insecurity? Why am I doing this? Or anything for that matter?

Is seeing patients enough? Being a mom enough? Do I have to add more on? Every day? Are we fulfilling goals just to fill them up. Just to give me something to do?

I would, could sit and ponder this BUT Flickr survived and  the photos are done. Back to the task at hand. Here’s the peek

She smiled and kept giving me an offering for the temple. I took it and smiled back.

Here’s our sweet balls of rice. We ate them with our fingers while juggling hot bitter coffee.

Brightly colored ingredients held my fancy…..But then so did the chickens. And now it gets me thinking.

The little chickens are contained gently in the basket. They know it. It’s obvious.

But the ones above look free to go. They sit there peacefully, looking content but really their legs are tied. They couldn’t leave even if they wanted to.  I  wonder if they know they will be someone’s dinner.

I have to go now. Clean that bathroom and ponder that important question.

What about you? Just why are you doing IT?  Whatever that may be.

Do you feel trapped like these chickens?

To say that I needed a vacation is like saying I needed water or food. It was obvious and not a fact to be quibbled over except of course to me.

You see running around with frenetic energy is what I do. I’ve perfected it. Even when my body is still, my brain isn’t. Gotta do! Gotta be! Gotta!  Gotta! Gotta! I’ve been like this ever since I decided to be a doctor and walked down the premed path.

Those of you who don’t know me might be surprised to find that I was an average student in high school. I barely squeaked by with a C average. Once in college, being a doctor was not even on my radar. But somehow on a long bus ride in North Island New Zealand,  I came across the conclusion that I would take the risk. I would change  my college major for the upteenth time and go for it. Medicine was for me!

Yanking up my GPA was of imminent concern and everything fell by the way side. It meant pulling all nighters and acing class after class. It meant never letting my guard down because I just might fall from the top and chaos would ensure.

That fear of getting behind and then not reaching “My Goals” has never truly left.  Even I will admit I’m not quite sure what “My Goals” are anymore or if they are entirely necessary.

I’m on an island- Guam and the hyperventilating pace of general practice is still there albeit for shorter hours.

There’s the kids and baths and homework. Oh and the toilets and the laundry and the dinner night after night that you must absolutely shop for. Every day begins at 4:30 am and ends at 10:30 or 11:00pm.

There are posts to be written, blogs to be visited, sites to be stumbled. There are the photos that are taken and the ones that are  waiting to be taken. People to call and emails to return. Presents bought and waiting to go out to the mail- but somehow never making it. It goes on and on you begin to dream about that one day.

That one day where you’ll be all caught up. You start to fantasize what a great feeling that will be. Cause then you could really enjoy life.

It’s been a week since I got back from Bali.  I took that vacation and I got that feeling.

And I’m not even close  to being caught up.

I’m pretty bad about letting things slide and today I’d had enough. I was a little ambitious considering all three kids are home exempt from camp and pre-school. But I tried anyway. Heck I figured people do this all the time right? I should be able to make a few phone calls.

Well I did it!  I tackled personal as well as professional tasks.

Personal:

• Ordered my oldest’s bus pass today.( Why I was procrastinating this I don’t know)
• Called workers to come fix some broken parts in our home.
• Replaced the air filter in our home.
• Filed my organizer with this month’s pages. (I know! This month is almost over. Better late than never.)
• Tried to schedule doctor appointments for the kids- (No go. All booked. Need to try again Monday.)
• Scheduled Dentist appointment for my oldest. (The other two went last week)
• Filled out the soccer registration for my girls (Actually I’m still doing this as I write!)

Professional:

• Reworked my business plans with MommyMD.org
• Started my business plan for MommyMD.org and DrCason.org
• Developing a plan for an allergen-free dessert cookbook(Seriously it’s the hardest thing to serve Jake)
• Redefining my niche for DrCason.org- Thank you Barbara at Blogging Without a Blog

No kidding I feel super charged right now. It’s funny how we avoid things thinking that it’ll drag us down. But the truth is it makes us float!

What things are you avoiding? Do you have an anti-procrastination day?

What small tiny thing could you do right now? (Dump the trash? Make your bed? Do twenty sit ups?)

Do it!

And come back and tell me all about it. I’ll be delighted to see what you come up with.

I feel this now.

My friend Laura Roppe is living her dream and this week that dream took another step forward!

I remember meeting Laura a few years ago when we all huddled around a couch and listened to her speak of finishing a marathon. I’m always in awe of people who work out regularly and well finishing a marathon is about as hard as it gets!

“You know what the best part was?” She said, “The realization that I could do anything!”

Because of that one single experience she was brave enough to join a band and start singing. Gradually she has got out into the community and played around the San Diego area. She’s just recently made a CD but it was only when she stood in a Vons grocery store parking lot recently and took that leap did her dreams really take off.

The producer of  a radio program, Jeff and Jer showgram, Little Tommy was sitting in his car. Laura walked over, knocked on his window and made her pitch. He was impressed.  You can hear the whole story and listen to her reaction to her music being played on the air for the first time at The Jeff and Jer Showgram

Watch out you just might cry!

You can also listen to Laura’s music on her web site www.lauraroppe.com

In the upper right hand corner are her songs. Be sure to take the time to listen and feel the words. She’s a powerful songwriter! My personal favorites are Little Daughter and Float Away.  Here are the lyrics to Float Away. I listened to it 20 times to get all the words down and sobbed. I’m always startled when music can touch that part inside.

Here’s to you Laura. I am releasing you to my blogger world. I wish you the greatest success! You are an inspiration and I am proud to call you my friend.

Sheila

Float Away:

She says I think I’ll go home, turn off the telephone

Take a little pill to cope and float away

Forget about the day

She keeps telling herself she’s doing just fine

If she lights a candle, drinks a glass of wine

She can float

Float away

She’s not sure how she got to this place

The world is crashing down

All mixed up, letting go, giving up

Never thought she’d end up

Getting wasted

Losing faith

Floating away

She says this life’s too heavy

I’ve reached a breaking point

If  check out now, I can leave it all behind

And float

Float away

But she hears the voice of her little girl

Only thing that matters in this whole world

Gotta find a way

Not to fade away

She’s not sure how she got to this place

The world is crashing down

All mixed up, letting go, giving up

Never thought she’d end up

Getting wasted

Losing faith

Floating away

Hold on for one more day

Hold on for one more day

Hold on for one more day

Hold on for one more day

Hold on for one more day

Hold on for one more day

She’s not sure how she got to this place

The world is crashing down

Got to have faith it’ll be alright

Too much to lose if she loses this fight

Baby gowing up ashamed of her life

If she goes away

If she fades away

Won’t float away

No

Won’t float away

Hold on for one more day

Hold on for one more day

Hold on for one more day

 

Have you taken that step toward realizing your dream? Have you knocked on a few windows in a Vons parking lot?

We were discussing the bestselling book “Happiness is a Serious Problem” by Dennis Prager. Prager tell us that that the only way to achieve happiness is to take responsibility for your life rather than blaming others and how to treat happiness not as an end goal but as a by product of living a consciously chosen life. 

I first read this book when I was living in San Diego.  Work hours were very long and busy. My children saw more of my nanny than they did their mother.  John came home late nearly every night to a chaotic house and a frozen pizza in the oven.  I cried every day. 

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out why I was unhappy. I knew what was wrong but I didn’t have the ability to change jobs or location at the time. I was miserable and clearly making everyone else miserable as well.  One day my husband thrust this book into my hands.

Reading Prager’s book reminded me that I had an obligation to my family and myself to be as happy as I could be. Since I couldn’t change my circumstances, I had to change my attitude. When I had the opportunity, I made different choices and reaped the rewards. 

That’s what I like about self help book and blogs. They offer a perspective. It’s not necessarily a right or wrong perspective, just a different way of thinking. And I’m not offended by the presumption that I could learn something, that they could actually teach me something. They are usually right.  

Here are some of the reactions that came up last night. (I’ve summarized)

I hated it. Who does he think he is? He’s got it all figured out.

It was common sense. He didn’t offer anything I didn’t already know.

I can see if you needed that, then it might help.

It’s brainwashing. Written for and by a middle aged white person who doesn’t know what real struggle is.

It’s not as easy to say, Just be happy!

Yeah. It was a good discussion.

Do you like self help books or blogs?  Are you offended by their advice or does it even matter to you? 

I was going to write about guilt today because I snapped at Bree. She was taking a loooooong time to put on her seat belt and I became impatient.

This post was supposed to be about how guilt is a useless emotion. How we all make mistakes and we shouldn’t get caught up in the little things. Just Let. It. Go. I told myself.

So I mulled it over and tried to think of some witty banter between the Breester and I. Something that illustrated the complexities of a little girl and her mother. I reminded myself that she was okay and I didn’t need to worry over her for the whole day. Not for a little comment. But no matter how hard I tried to reframe the memory, it didn’t get amusing. It just made me want to to say I was sorry. To be more patient. To give her a hug. Anything but forget about it.

It seems guilt is a powerful emotion, and not quite as useless as I thought.

As reported in Psychology Today , Baumeister, Ph.D., lead a study out of Case Western Reserve University that saw guilt

as a kind of social glue rather than a product of the individual psyche. Its roots lie in empathy, or an individual’s ability to feel the pain of others, and fear of alienation by the social group.

The reason I couldn’t let it go, is that I saw her little face- just as you see it above-innocent and a smile ready and willing. I knew she was trying.

But wait, just as I thought guilt was all good they had this to say:

Levels of guilt and self-esteem are closely related. Individuals with low self-esteem are more prone to deep feelings of guilt than those with high self-esteem.

Ah hah! Maybe this is why as I’ve gotten older I feel less guilty about things. I have a stronger sense of what is me and what I’m willing to do.

So as with most things in life, it seems that guilt in moderation can be good. Just a little bit of it and it keeps you connected and involved and working to do better. But too much of it and either you are doing some very bad things or you need to work on improving your self esteem.

Here are some things I feel guilty about:

Here are some things I don’t feel guilty about:

How often do you sit in silence?

How often do you give eye contact?

How often do you sit in silence and make eye contact?

Lance posted Shhh…at his blog The Jungle of Life yesterday. He discussed silence and how it important it is to have in our life.  Silence gives us the opportunity to grow and understand ourselves.  I couldn’t agree more Lance.

Just before medical school I attended a workshop which was fun and a little intimidating.  One particular exercise stands out.

The leaders took about 10 people -me including- from a group of over 100 people and had us line up  side by side in front of the room. Hands by our side we all turned and faced the audience. No one was allowed to speak.The room was absolute silent.

We looked at the audience. The audience looked at us. At me.

No talking. No laughing.

We just stood and looked. At strangers.

After a while people started to shift around. Some started to laugh right out loud and some just stood there.

What did I do?

I cried.

I couldn’t stop.  All my insecurities came bubbling to the surface. I never realized how much I covered up my fear with my nonstop chattering. When you took all that away. I was just me.

The lingering silence just kept on going. The longer I stood there the more I really looked at the audience. Some of them were also having a hard time. As I slowly realized they were just like me, I  stopped crying and a gentle peaceful feeling washed over me. This simple act of standing quietly and just observing had taught me more than any self-help book I had ever read.

Now I watch the children who come in my office.

They stand there waiting.

Silent. Looking up at me.

And I feel their vulnerability.

They too are just like me.

James W. Prescott, PhD, an American developmental psychologist, proposed that the origins of violence in society were related to the lack of mother child bonding. He said “The easiest and quickest way to induce depression and alienation in an infant or child is not to touch it, hold it, or carry it on your body.” Harry Harlow also did extensive studies looking at the relationship between affection and development. You may know of his most famous study done with Rhesus monkeys, between 1963 and 1968. He placed the monkeys into two groups. The first group was offered a choice between two mothers, a terrycloth mother without food and a wire mother that provided a baby bottle containing milk. The second group also had a choice between two mothers, a terrycloth mother that provided food and a wire mother with no food. Interestingly the researchers found that the monkeys clung to the terry cloth mothers regardless of whether she had food or not. The only times the monkeys went to the wire mother was when she had food. The terrycloth mother provided something more important than food: contact comfort. Harlow concluded that affection and emotional connection is integral to mother child relationships. He later went on to do studies that showed the complete psychological deterioration of monkeys who were kept in social isolation.

Unfortunately we see this in real life when we observe babies who are kept at orphanages with a high caregiver to child ratio. The child never has the opportunity to bond with another person and therefore develops disorders of attachment. This disorder significantly impairs their ability to relate to other human beings for the rest of their lives!

The good news is that we can continue to bond and increase our well-being by touching and being touched! Dr. Moberg in her article The Antistress Effects in Response to Non-noxious Sensory Stimulation (posted at NIH’s website The National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine) describes the antistress properties in stimulation.  Oxytocin is a hormone secreted by the posterior pituitary gland mainly in response to touch. Most people know of this hormone as a female hormone because it increases dramatically in labor and breastfeeding. But both men and women secrete oxytocin. It is known to lower blood pressure and other stress related responses and it has been called the calm and connection hormone.

We’d all do well to remember Shilpan’s helpful advice at hugging a stranger. But don’t stop there, hug your family, your kids, your animals or just get a massage. As you increase your oxytocin levels, you’ll increase your sense of peace and well being and that could only lead to good things.

Once I stepped outside of my own EGO my real concern was in my patients. My real concern was whether I was going to be able reverse the liver damage on that two year old, intubate that premature baby or stop the brain swelling on the 4 month old in the PICU.

I’ve always liked that about medicine. It seemed to put it all into perspective. I knew a psychiatrist who once said that peoples fears and neurosis served a purpose. At some level they benefited from it. I don’t think we’re conscious of what benefit we receive but often when the fear becomes an indulgence and we are suddenly aware of this fact, it falls away.  Here’s an excerpt I read recently.  It’s by the author Abigail Thomas who writes of her experience with her husband following a traumatic brain injury.

Old fears are evaporating, the claustrophobia that crippled me for years is gone. I used to climb the thirteen flights to our apartment because I was terrified of being alone in the elevator. What if it got stuck? What if I never got out? Then there I was one Sunday morning in the hospital, Rich on the eighth floor, the elevator empty. What had for years terrified me now seemed ridiculously easy. I haven’t got time for this, I thought, and got right in. (emphasis placed by me)

- Abigail Thomas “A three Dog Life”

We learned to dive.
We held hands and shared air and a kiss under water.
We went to breakfast. Twice.
We saw a movie.
We drove. In silence.
We laughed over stupid jokes.
We drank lots of wine.

We didn’t fight. Or pick or snap at each other.
We didn’t clean the house. And most of all…
We didn’t feel guilty.